Anyone else feel like you are trapped in the Twilight Zone and every day is a rerun from the day before?  As a family, we have struggled to find a new normal; a balanced daily routine. Some of us have been locked up, spent some time in official quarantine and then released all within 24 hours.  Have things around here been hard? Yes.  Have things around here been weird? Yes.  Have things around here been somewhat hilarious at times? Yes.  I asked each member of my family what song they would choose if putting this chapter in our life to music:  Jake: I Wanna Be Sedated; Kev: I Will Survive; Chloe: Blow Me One Last Kiss; and Me: Stayin Alive.  I thought you all could benefit from a window into our life over the past month…

Captain’s log

March 11

Jake turned 14.  Celebration was postponed indefinitely because: read entire Captain’s log to fully understand. Chloe had surgery at Sick Kids in Toronto to fix cavities and pull 3 teeth. Of course, nothing went as planned because why would it?! They pulled 6 teeth and had to put 5 stitches in her mouth. She spent some time in the ICU.  As the She-Captain (and organized planner) of this crazy ship, we came home with a good plan to promote calmness and healing in our house but somehow failed at properly executing this plan.  Side note: She-Captain picked the wrong year to swear off alcohol…just sayin.

March 12

Picked Jake up from school only to be informed that Quarantine 2020 was now in effect. Chloe has post-op ventilator cough (normal for her after every surgery but still have to keep an eye on it as she is medically fragile in the lungs). Anxiety on the ship reached a whole new level with some members walking the plank and others swinging wildly from the ceiling.  She-Captain has lost some control.

March 13

Went for a routine grocery adventure (routine meaning – an outing regularly occurring on this day every week to obtain ingredients for standard meal prep and toilet paper for excrement from meal consumption).  Yes, we needed toilet paper because we were running low, not because we were panic buying 59,000 rolls to sustain us until 2050.  No toilet paper to be found at any of the grocery stores.  Shelves were empty of food items as well.  Crew will eat cereal until further notice and toilet paper has been rationed to one square for “#1” and 3 squares for “#2” also until further notice.

March 14

Chloe hijacked the ship and took us through some shark-infested waters off the coast of Crazy Town by pulling her own stitches out.  In case I forget to mention this: It was awesome.  My life would not be complete without this experience (please use extreme sarcasm when reading). 3 a.m.: She-Captain called the doctor on call and was told to wait for a call back as he wasn’t sure how to navigate these waters.  She-Captain asked for explanation and was told they haven’t had a kid pull stitches from mouth 3 days post-op.  Please stand by. So.Awesome. Thankfully, we did not have to head back down to Toronto.  What did we all learn from this little adventure (including a veteran doctor of 26 years):  Chloe is the toughest tiny human we know. Do not mess with her. Ever. Just don’t. Side Note:  He-Captain worked his last day until further notice.  Has joined the wild side of the crew and may or may not be promoting swinging from ceiling.

March 16

Chloe was placed in actual quarantine by medical personnel at her program but only after exposing an entire floor to her ventilator cough (a very wet cough she gets after every single surgery she has ever had). She’s been at her program before with this cough but COVID-19 in the midst of quarantine 2020, so she was put in lockdown.  Quickly rewind to March 12^th, where I had a specific conversation with medical staff in charge of Chloe’s program regarding ventilator cough and whether or not she should still come in light of everything going on. Due to facility’s lack of preparation for a situation such as this she was placed in a janitor-type closet complete with a television to help calm her and a small window for monitoring for 18 hours.  Gasp!

March 17

Goal for the day: bring home quarantined child who is now traumatized as she spent the last 18 hours by herself watching television in a bed that wasn’t her own, while He-Captain maintains sanity and calmness at home.  Instructions from medical facility over intercom (received upon arrival):  “Wait outside and someone will be right with you.” (5 minutes passes)  “Are you still there?” She-Captain – “Yes.” (why would I leave without my child?!) Intercom voice of medical personnel – “Great. Please head over to the tan building that is 5,568 paces away and someone will meet you to screen you for COVID-19 as your child will not be released to you until you are cleared.” Ok, what?? Wait a minute. Yesterday (exactly 24 hours and 23 minutes prior to this moment) you herded my child, me and 4 other child-parent couples into the unit’s leisure activity room to screen us for COVID-19.  Do you see where I am going with this? You have already been exposed (should we have it), but yeah, ok, I totally see why I should proceed to walk around to various buildings for screenings and such.  Good call.  I headed to the tan building (and BELIEVE ME when I tell you there was only one tan building…HA!) not once, not twice, but three times! That’s right, 33,408 paces and twenty minutes later and still no one met me at that one tan building to screen me, but I walked slow enough back to that other beige building (not tan) they assumed I was screened (no one EVER showed up and building was locked).  Finally, I was allowed to retrieve my quarantined, infected child from lockdown.  Such an amazing experience, overall and definitely on point for how to properly screen for infectious disease during a pandemic.  Awesome job.

March 18

No one slept.  Chloe has PTSD (non-confirmed but probable statistical outcome = 99.5%) linked to janitor closet isolation (and ventilator cough has significantly worsened).

March 19

See previous day’s entry.  Captains are extremely exhausted.  No one infected with COVID-19.

March 20

SOS. Captains have lost ALL control of their ship (regardless of the enforcer strapped to the hip, aka bb gun) to two Canadian-American under aged pirates.  On the last roll of toilet paper but captains will enforce (as a last ditch attempt at regaining control) one leaf per visit to the honey bucket from ship’s green, leafy money tree. Send help or toilet paper, we will accept either.

Seriously though, we are all doing well.  Has there been some tears, anxiety, and struggle? You bet.  What have we learned?

• Love is absolutely enough.

 

• We are better together. Stronger and whole.

 

• Our 14 year old has taught us how to cut down on dishes now that he is the full-time dishwasher (see picture).

 

• Dance parties are always a welcome intervention for stress relief and PTSD treatment J

 

• Some days require extra love and grace beyond what we ever thought we were capable of giving.

 

• Chloe is an expert at suture removal.

 

• Chloe is also an expert at sleep evasion. She wins every time.

 

• One or three squares are just not enough…toilet paper rationing is not a good idea. Ever. The end.

 

 

• Cauliflower is the budget version of broccoli. (direct quote from Jake, a lover of broccoli and all green vegetables)

 

• I am officially the shortest person in our family….and another direct quote from our teenage son: “don’t make me come down there small fry. How’s the weather down there on your level?” He’s taller than me. Gasp! How did this happen?!

 

• Apparently salmon crack is a thing. I know this because I shouted down to our teenage son: “Can you please bring me a box of sandwich bags from the storage shelf?” Jake: “Salmon crack. What? We have salmon and we’re feeding them crack?!  How did I not know this! What else are you and dad keeping from me?”  words. Maybe it’s his blond roots? I’m not entirely sure.

 

• We have officially seen it all. Our life is now complete because we looked on in shock and horror (I mean, total wonderment) as:

A lady had a full-blown meltdown because the grocery store was out of hand sanitizer and “the news said she had to have it and use it in order to prevent COVID-19”. She was re-directed to hand soap but that wasn’t good enough because that is not what the news instructed us to do. Scary!

A lady rubbed her nose with her gloved hand after touching her cart among many other items in the store.

A lady withdrew cash from an ATM with rubber gloves on and then held cash in mouth while removing gloves. Yep. No words, next level of stupid. Sorry, I’m not sorry for sharing these with you.

I asked a grocery store employee what aisle had hand soap to which she replied, “if we have any it would be on aisle 5 but I’m pretty sure we’re out,” to which I replied, “ok, where is the body soap?” GSE – “same aisle but you should know that body soap is specifically for the body.”  Umm, ok, is a hand not part of the body?! Soap is soap, but thank you for preventing me from using the wrong soap on the wrong body parts as clearly that could be catastrophic.

I have cried, had some terrible moments and my mom heart has broken repeatedly in the last several weeks, but I have also experienced love like never before. Thank you to all of you who have checked in on us, offered to grab groceries for us, and sent us words of encouragement during this very difficult, uncertain time.  We are forever grateful and definitely feel loved by you. So far, Chloe’s lungs remain infection free (if you are reading this and confused she is medically fragile in the lungs making her at the highest risk for a COVID-19 death sentence L ).  Forever grateful, forever loved, and blessed beyond my wildest dreams always.

 

September.  You guys. How is that even possible?! It feels like this summer just flew by with no time to even catch my breath.  Summer is my most favorite season and I just can’t seem to get enough of it.  Each year I struggle hard to wrap my mind around the closing of the summer chapter. Don’t get me wrong, fall is a close second on the favorites list, but every year, without fail, I’m just not ready for this transition period…. back to school and all the things that come with it leave me feeling a bit sad. In fact, I absolutely hate the end of August/ beginning of September.  I hate it for many reasons. It has always been bittersweet. It signifies another year gone by; another collection of firsts and lasts.  It’s actually a more difficult time for me than New Years’ Day (the true passing of another year).  This is a reflection of summer days gone by.

I love everything about summer (probably because my birthday is right in the middle of it☺).  Fifteen summers ago I fell head over heels in love with my soul mate.  We’re not so great at ‘selfies’ as you’ll see below but we sure do have fun together.  This summer had a lot of firsts and some lasts and some “didn’t quite make it on that adventure” moments.  Two of our very best friends got married and the boys and I were in their wedding ♥ Jacob played his violin for the wedding ceremony (first time he has ever played for that large of a crowd)…Kev and I could not be more proud of the man he is becoming. Jake and I went on a road trip to Omaha, Nebraska to visit some of our family.  The boys went camping, we tubed the Grand River twice, we had back yard fires and watched lightening bugs dance their way across a field.  We went on hikes, had a backyard camp out, ate Dairy Queen blizzards for dinner, went to the beach, BBQ’d with friends (and family), spent time with some of our very best friends at their cabin, laughed until we cried, cried until we laughed,  and overall, just enjoyed all of the summer moments that left us without a schedule to keep.

I celebrated making it to 42 with one of my best friends and her mom making me steak dinner with sautéed mushrooms and onions (my very favorite meal). The boys took me to my favorite local restaurant that overlooks the Grand River.  Jake advised me “not to have a heart attack now that I’m 42,” and also informed me that he and Kev have started saving up for the installation of a chair lift for our stairs to make my transition into the elderly years smoother (clearly he does not wish to live past his next birthday with comments like that freely escaping his lips). I have spent 15 love-filled birthdays with my soul mate.  We celebrated this milestone with a Quentin Tarantino movie (don’t judge me…I absolutely love his movies and this one did not disappoint).

We won a trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. While there, we saw some things we’d never seen before and learned a few new facts, for instance, we learned that scooters apparently don’t have a weight limit, and tested our stomach’s ability to stretch by regrettably eating way too much at a seafood buffet, which inspired our decision to walk the epic 10 miles back to our hotel.    Clearly one bad decision led to another and the end result was more blisters than I have ever had on my feet in my entire life (and I’m a runner!), needless to say (also in an effort to focus on the positives) we burned off our 20,000-calorie buffet meal ☺ Jake and I thought we were going to DIE on this walk, while Kev thought it was the BEST walk ever (if only Jake and I would stop complaining ☺). In our defense, we were the ones with the blisters at the end of this journey, while Kev’s feet were pretty as a peach and smooth as a baby’s bum.

Some of the activities I’ve listed are summertime traditions in our house and some are completely new adventures.  I love traditions and have loved making new ones with our family while keeping the old ones alive.  Summer for me is a truly magical time and has been since I was a little girl.  I love fishing and camping, going to the local drive-in movie theater, backyard fires and wake boarding and lazy days spent lounging in the sunshine with a good fiction novel.  Give me more sunshine and summertime and you are speaking my love language.

What are some of your summertime traditions? What’s your favorite season?

Some fun captured summer moments….

Hey guys! It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything on here and for that, I apologize.  Life has been a little wild and crazy (as usual) and while I’ve still been writing it’s just been more pen and paper style….kickin’ it old school.  If I’m being honest, I’m a little nerdy that way… I absolutely LOVE a fresh notebook and favorite pen, alone with my thoughts.  If you haven’t tried it I want to encourage you to do so as it is very therapeutic for the soul ♥

As a family, we’ve been scaling some challenging mountain tops this year (and really, since we’re on the Truth Train together, a fair bit of last year too).  Truth be told, if you ask my husband, our life together has been one BIG challenge after another.  Make no mistake, my husband is the more positive force between the two of us and he doesn’t intend that view to be a negative one, but rather just a fact in our story.

To be completely honest, I have been feeling a bit hopeless for the past few months.  We are facing losing our nursing help with our sweet Chloe.  This would be catastrophic for us as a family and me as an individual (as well as Chloe).  To add fuel to this rapidly spreading wild fire I have been going through some tough health issues myself.  To say the branch is bending under all of this stress and pressure is probably an understatement.  In fact, I think the branch broke a long time ago, thus becoming kindling for the wildfire.

The good news is that all of these life challenges have built character, perseverance, strengthened our faith and our ability to continue to rise in the midst of total chaos, and drastically changed our perspective and priorities.  While things have never gone as we planned, I do believe our life has gone as planned by our great Creator and I have to believe that His plan is far better than anything I could have arranged for myself even when it doesn’t make sense or seem fair, otherwise my faith is useless.

In the midst of all these life storms I have been trying to focus on changing my perspective (focus on the positives, the blessings and the good rather than the challenges, negatives and the bad).  We are constantly learning to fly again, although sometimes it feels a bit like flying in a half circle with a broken wing. We are forever learning and believe it or not, we are still flying.  Sometimes this learning curve is painful but if you pay careful attention it can be joy-filled, but you must pay attention or you’ll miss it.

Precious moments like these happen daily but if you are focused on the wrong thing you will miss it (I can’t stress this ‘miss it’ part enough).  Unfortunately, I have spent a large chunk of my life missing the moments that matter the most.

I have a sign in my reading nook that captures the essence of learning to dance in spite of your circumstance.  My husband bought it for me (a few years ago) as a reminder of where to set my focus when we are going through the worst of the worst.  I’ve included a picture of this sign below, however it reads this: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”  That is exactly what I did this week.  I danced in the summer rain with Chloe.  It was a priceless moment in time.  One I will never forget. While I have danced in the rain before I have never done it with so much joy and laughter.  She has never been caught in a downpour before this week and she was squealing and giggling with so much delight I couldn’t help but join in the fun. Chloe has a way with teaching you to appreciate the little things in life….like how a butterfly landing on her leg and flaunting it’s beautiful wing patterns while it rests on her leaves her in absolute awe and wonderment; how she loves to grab at my eyelashes and giggle with pure pleasure while attempting to catch them in her fingertips; how going to a summer barbecue with family and friends and eating chocolate cake with her eyes closed, savoring every bite (I don’t love cake or chocolate, don’t judge me, I just don’t but Chloe takes so much pleasure in these activities that you can’t help but want to join in the fun).  I have to remember to do life how Chloe does life.  She truly stops to appreciate the beauty all around her.  It’s so easy to get caught up in beauty as it is defined by the world but seriously stop.  A life well lived and full of beauty as defined by the world’s standards will leave you feeling hollow and hopeless, void of joy and happiness.  I urge you to learn to stop and appreciate the little moments in your every day because they bring true love and joy; they define what is truly beautiful and give you a life worth living.  They set your soul on fire and remind you to allow yourself to feel.

People often say to us, “I feel sorry for Chloe, I feel bad for you and Kev or Jake.” Don’t. Chloe is living her best life and teaching us to live our best life!

I certainly hope this post encourages you to start living your best life (if you aren’t already doing so).  Find joy in the little moments and don’t let them pass you by unrecognized.  Life is too short to focus on the hard things. Trust me, when you change your perspective you change your life. I say all of this as a reminder to myself as much as to you.

Live your best life!

Leave me a comment telling me how you are living your best life or something positive that happened to you this week!  I love sharing my life with you and look forward to you sharing yours with me ♥

I love how calm and quiet it is in our home at night.  I get to watch the gentle rise and fall of my children’s chests as they are in peaceful slumber.  When they were little I loved to kiss and squish their tiny, super chubby cheeks while they slept….squishy, rosy, and sweet.  Such precious angels…WHILE THEY SLEEP!

While I love and cherish my children and husband, the TRUTH is….wait for it….keep waiting….life isn’t always so smooth here in the Summerhays home.  Spoiler Alert:  We’re not all merry and bright all the time.  My children have salty attitudes that are apparently the result of “pre-teenage raging hormones that have hi-jacked my children’s brains, are in total control of their bodies and aren’t planning on leaving any time soon” (this is a direct quote from my 11-year old son).  We have bad attitudes, snarky remarks that fly out of our mouths because we fail to stop and think before we speak, and we have epic parent fails on an almost daily basis.

Two weeks ago I think I almost broke.  I was ready for the men in white coats, a straitjacket, a white wall to stare listlessly at, and some vanilla pudding with Ativan mixed in.  The week started off casually horrible (if that’s even a thing!) and moved right in to Crazy-Town.  In fact, I am the self-declared mayor of Crazy-Town, y’all!

Day One:  Snow Pants – An Obvious Choice.  It was Snowmageddon 2017 here in Crazy-Town so lots of snow had piled up in a short amount of time and the temperatures were about -20 or so.  I had to dig our truck out and use 4-wheel drive….GASP! The perfect kind of weather to go to school without your snow pants, hat and mitts…NOT! So after morning drop off back to school I went with, of course, no time to change out of my “mom pants” and “mom hair” (aka grey and white polka dot pajamas and bed head!).  Snow pant-less child (aka Jake) informed me that it is my duty as his mother to make sure he is properly dressed for the elements before leaving our driveway so that I don’t show up to middle school in my mom pants with mom hair as that is “like so totally embarrassing”!

Day Two: The Advent Calendar Crisis. Preface to what I’m about to tell you: one of my children, like her daddy, is a serious chocoholic!  In our home, it is tradition to start our Advent Calendar event on December 5th or after… Don’t judge, I’m thrifty and the Advent Calendars go from $12.99 to $3.99 around the 5th!  Our morning routine was in full swing when a scream shrill enough to shatter glass could be heard all throughout Crazy-Town.  The Princess (aka as Chloe) had just consumed her first Advent Chocolate of the season.  As the screaming continued,  my husband (aka Daddy) came to see what was going on.  Chloe burst into tears and pointed at her Advent Calendar.  I calmly explained that one chocolate each day is how this game works.  At this point, my husband turned to me and said, “One chocolate a day for a chocoholic is like giving an alcoholic one sip of alcohol each day.  It’s just not enough.  All it does is wake the monster without feeding it!”  Seriously, honey?! No words.  Parenting logic at its finest 🙂 Clearly, I did not think this through (maybe teenage hormones hi-jacked my brain as well??)

Day Three:  All is Calm, All is Bright…said no Mayor of Crazy-Town EVER.  I’m sitting in my mom pants quietly reflecting on the week thus far, contemplating a dose of Ativan with a Kahlua coffee chaser (don’t worry…I decided to read my Bible and PRAY for survival instead) when I received the first of many texts.  My chocoholic monster is screaming and kicking at school and it’s only 9 a.m.  She did the unthinkable…she peed on her nurse!  I’m sorry…WHAT?!  In a moment of total shock, how could this be, I think to myself?! My children are perfect, my family is perfect (social media supports this notion as it pops up perfect pictures of us to repost on a daily basis).  We don’t have any problem children, only angels…. HA.HA.HA. I’m wondering, as I drive to school to retrieve my disruptive child, if I deny this is even happening will it make it less true?!  It’s not even lunch time yet!

Day Four:  The Beat Down.  I started this day trusting and believing it would be a great day; the BEST day of the week.  I was hopeful and ready for greatness but that is NOT what unfolded.  The phone rang and it was school calling, “Chloe is being combative.”  Combative, really?!!  She’s in a wheelchair, a wheelchair and she’s taking people down! How is this even a thing?! She kicked her bus driver in the head while her wheel chair was being secured and then decided biting her teacher was a wise choice.  This is the third major incident day for Chloe since September. Just a side note:  we will be going to marriage counseling in the new year or genetic counseling, we’ll figure it out, as my husband is pretty sure all the behavior issues apparently are a gift from my side of the family 😉 I think at this point in the story it is safe for me to assume that one can understand my pain.  Kev had to come from work and pick Chloe up as I had an appointment.  He scolded her; a rare occurence as she IS daddy’s princess.  I arrived at home just in time to hear him say, “Chloe, this kind of behavior has to stop.  You can’t keep beating up the school staff.” As she’s clapping for herself and laughing, Chloe responded with concise, choice words…”yeah, yeah, yeah.”  Really?? Of all the moments she could choose to talk, this is the time.  God really does have a sense of humor!  Chloe is our stubborn, very strong-willed child so as you can imagine there aren’t too many effective approaches to disciplining her.  She is my child who literally laughs when I cry.  For lack of any better ideas for appropriate disciplinary action we decided to ground Chloe from her Advent Calendar. Yep. Grounded.  I’m pretty sure she is the only child in the history of Christmas to get grounded from her Advent Calendar.  Side note: Solution to the behavior and attitude problem according to Grandma: buy Chloe a mini-pony.  Solution to the behavior and attitude problem according to Daddy:  buy her a bunny.  (Mmmmm-K so we’re like the movie We Bought a Zoo except I’m not dead yet). Yeah I’m just going to leave these 2 BOLD statements here on this page because both of them have LOST THEIR MINDS!

Day Five: Grocery Mayhem – A Cereal Event.  Disclaimer:  I truly love my husband, really, I do, but making healthy and wise decisions in the grocery store is sometimes an unbalanced struggle that may cause marital strife.  I began this day with Christmas cookies for breakfast because I had failed (based on the craziness of the previous 4 days) to purchase milk, yogurt, eggs and any other “normal” breakfast foods and something is better than nothing, right?! I could have had cereal with water on it as we did have 5 boxes of cereal (remember that number…5!) I was ragged and worn, to say the least….still in my mom pants with my mom hair and my mom face. Great! At least I matched with all the mom stuff! Kev, seeing my less than beautiful self-portrait of exhaustion, offered to take my grocery list and conquer the beast.  Just to be 100% clear, it had 7 things on it (yogurt, lunch items for naughty children, milk, fruit, veggies, meat, and eggs).  While some of these items did actually make it into my refrigerator, the meat, yogurt and lunch selections were very interesting choices….slim pickins, if I do say!  We did, however, end up with a surplus of cereal and ice cream as these items were on super sale!  The plan:  in a pinch, eat the cereal with melted ice cream and we’re all good to go!  When in doubt, use the blender for a nutritious lunch on the fly and with an ice pack or two you can totally send the blended cereal and ice cream to school for a nutritious and balanced high calorie snack, lunch or dinner!  Marketing tagline: Cereal, the new super food!  Many options, limited ingredients = a win-win situation. You get where I’m going with this, right?!  Yep, that’s right, 5 new FAMILY size boxes of cereal now grace our cupboard shelves, joining the ranks of the other 5.  I’m so thankful that I didn’t have to go to the grocery store, though (insert sarcasm).

All joking aside, my husband really is super helpful!  While he’s not so good at sticking to the list he’s really good at going to the store when I don’t really feel like it.  Kev’s strengths are my weaknesses and that is just one of many reasons why we make an awesome team.

Question for my readers:  Does every parent have that one difficult child that challenges your parenting skills; that takes you to the ledge on a regular basis?  Please tell me I’m not alone here.

I hope this story brings you lots of Christmas cheer and laughter!  Merry Christmas!

 

 

This season has been one of the most difficult seasons in my whole life.  I know those of you who know me, us and our story might be thinking, “How is that even possible? More difficult than battling cancer?”. Yes, a thousand times, YES!  I’m going to tell you a story…one that isn’t easy to tell and has given my heart some of its many scars.

Ten years ago, on October 18^th, our precious Chloe-Bella Bean made her shocking entrance into our life.   Chloe and her scheduled womb evacuation did not follow THE plan.  She had numerous problems right from the start.  We were not prepared for the child who entered our life that day.  We were only prepared for our idealistic version of what we expected Chloe to be. On October 18, 2007 our hearts, hopes and dreams we had for our daughter were shattered. It was like getting sucker-punched repeatedly.  Anger, denial, and anxiety plagued our life. Chloe’s immune system didn’t work properly and she was medically fragile in the lungs (forever), just to name a few of the difficulties we faced (and continue to face).   Chloe struggled to stay alive.  She gets rare and unusual infections, yet has beat the odds time and time again! We were told she wouldn’t make it past the age of five. Every breath was an exhausting battle.  As her mom, it was devastating and heartbreaking to watch as infection after infection assaulted her tiny body, taking up residence in her lungs.  Day after day we continued to wake up separated and torn, crushed and alone in the same nightmare as the day before…the thorn piercing our side was relentless, causing extreme pain and suffering. Don’t worry this story has a happy ending and is not all doom and gloom so keep reading!

Many times I have prayed over this thorn in my side; this heartache; this brokenness, yet it remains and we continue to persevere when we are sure the thorn, the adversity will break us.  Countless times in the past 10 years I wondered if we would remain intact as a whole family unit, unbroken, untouched by the persistent and ruthless battles.  I have struggled to see how this path we are on could possibly lead to somewhere good like we are promised in Romans; to some spectacularly beautiful outcome.  The truth is we are broken; shattered like a beautiful, whole piece of glass when it hits the tile floor, but together our broken pieces fit.  The broken pieces make us the family unit we are today. We are scarred but for the better, for through our scars we find strength and hope.  Our scars tell a story; they tell the truth and help keep us grounded and humble; they remind us that we are vulnerable and incapable of human perfection by our own strength; they are our legacy.

Have you ever seen the sunlight when it reflects off of a broken piece of glass or or one  with cut angles?  It’s breath-taking.  The colors are spectacular and often leave us speechless.  The beauty is like no other! It took years to arrive at this viewpoint but this is how I see our family…like thousands of tiny broken pieces of glass that fit together to make a magnificent rainbow.  Through our brokenness we are made stronger; refined like a precious medal; unique to the struggle we endured; valuable and priceless.  While Chloe may seem like just a broken dream, a broken piece of glass that doesn’t fit, a hardship or a thorn in our side she is far from it.  She is one part of the whole; one fourth, and without her we are not complete.  Our circle would have a big, gaping hole in its fortress wall.

In June, Chloe developed a very rare lymph node infection in her neck….another devasting blow.  To the astonishment of her medical team, she rallied and survived yet again. Often we are faced with difficult decisions that involve our daughter and we try to make the best choice; the one that has her best interests at heart.  We had to make a tough choice this year…one that involved extreme pain (for the past several months) but would lead to a better life once we got through the struggle. Chloe needed her jaw distracted by at least 21 mm to give her a bigger airway and hopefully make it easier to breathe.  On July 11th (the first of 3 major surgeries involved) Chloe underwent a 2 1/2 hour surgery in which the doctor broke her lower jaw bone bilaterally (on both sides)  and placed titanium arms onto the bone with screws hanging out of her face.  Every 12 hours we had to turn the screws manually one full crank (.5 mm) to pull her lower jaw forward.  We prevented her broken bones from setting for three weeks straight.  Was it tramatic and horrible for everyone? YES!! Was it worth it in the long run? YES!  Was it difficult to see the good while going through this time of torture? YES!  It was my most difficult task, to date, as a mom.  I had to look my angel baby in the face twice a day, every day, and inflict horrible pain on her (as if she hasn’t gone through enough pain already) and she was a champion; a warrior who continued to love unconditionally.  Chloe greeted each torture session with a smile and a hug.  She’s my hero; my reason to love better and bigger.

Today, as I’m writing this, Chloe is in the OR getting the titanium arms/screws removed off of her jawbone (and after will go to the ICU for 2-5 days).  It is a bittersweet, emotional milestone as it is Chloe’s 25th surgery!  She is a fighter; strong and brave and tough as nails!  This week Kev, Jake and I took a trip down memory lane.  We have lived through so many adventures…some good and some bad.  One important quality that we have as a family is that we always manage to find laughter amidst the pain.  Jake used to kick our shins whenever we had to do something that would hurt his baby sister (i.e. give shots twice a day, change her nasal-pharyngeal tube every 12 hours, etc.).  He even threatened me with “mommy jail” once saying I was going there for my bad mom choices (Uh, mom jail…is this even a thing?! Yes please! I would love to go and if we get a last meal before the electric chair I’ll have steak, a baked potato with everything on it, tossed salad and a gigantic bottle of red wine!).  Jake’s fiercely protective of his little sister.  He has such a pure and genuine perspective when it comes to Chloe.  He really sees her for who she is and not who the world believes her to be. Last week, Kev and I were humbled (and reminded of the importance of perspective) by Jake’s description of his sister to a friend who hadn’t met her yet.  The timing couldn’t have been more perfect to overhear this conversation.  Jake had a friend coming over who had never been to our house before.  He didn’t know I could hear and it humbled me beyond words and yes, tears we streaming down my face!  The conversation went exactly like this:  “You haven’t met my sister yet, but today you are going to.  Her name is Chloe.  She is very special and I feel everyone could learn a thing or two from her.  I want you to know that she is in a wheelchair, but that doesn’t define her; that’s not who she really is.  Chloe is just like you and me.  She laughs at funny things, loves pizza and loves watching movies or going to the movie theatre.  Chloe loves animals, hugs and her favorite color is purple.  She will notice if you don’t say ‘hi’ to her and I will too.  She says some words and knows some sign language.  Last week she was in trouble for using a swear word and laughing about it.  Chloe can be mean and sassy but since I like you she will too.  So yeah, she’s basically your typical naughty ten-year-old girl.”  In this moment, my heart melted right out of my chest.  Like the world, I, too, am guilty of failing to see from the right perspective at times; to see past the disability at the loving, trusting child inside.  Chloe is exactly who God wanted her to be.  She might not be physically whole and looks different than what the world perceives as “normal”, but she brings so much depth, value,  love and laughter to our family.  We wouldn’t be complete without her.  Thanks, Jake, for reminding us of the importance of perspective.

Some pictures taken during this difficult season….(Left to Right) – 1. Chloe’s beautiful smile; 2. Trail was covered with purple one difficult day; 3. Very sick with rare lymph node infection; 4./ 5.  After the first surgery- Installation of hardware and breaking of the jaw;  6.  In extreme pain…calmed by nature and a few favorite purple things;                     7. & 9. Turning the screws to pull the jaw forward;  8. Comfort from daddy; 10. Birthday outing to the ZOO!

 

It’s hard to believe the end of the summer season is just around the corner! Time please slooooow down. This season is home to one of the most dreaded, horrible, worst days of the year for me….THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.  This day and everything leading up to it requires all my Navy Seal qualities….the mission requires special endurance training, a double dose of patience and combat gear!  I realize, for most of you, this is your favorite day of the year and to you, I am completely backwards.  Believe me, I’ve tried to talk myself into loving it but I.just.can’t.  First, there’s the back to school shopping, which, as you know, involves many obstacles…running around trying to find all of the things on the much dreaded list of supplies, secretly hoping (praying even) that you don’t run out of money in your bank account before you reach the end of the list or get ran over by a cart being commandeered by one of the Mad Momma Mabels who seem to be everywhere and have somehow managed to leave their manners and their marbles at home.  The “shopping day” leaves me needing a cupcake from my favorite bakery here in town and contemplating a serious shot of whiskey (which I don’t drink whiskey.ever so that’s how painful shopping under these circumstances is for me).  Then, there’s groceries to buy for school lunches, which triggers extreme anxietal behavior for me because there’s pressure and judgement and one of my children has a love-hate relationship with the lunch food I buy.  Finally, the first day of school is here and you’re trying to promote perfection for that super cute first day picture but somehow you take a wrong turn (or two) and you are suddenly coordinating chaos.  I loved all of your pictures, by the way 🙂 However, yesterday did NOT go as planned because who plans chaos??!!  My daughter refused to look at the camera, my rottweiler stole all the lunch food off the counter before it made it into the lunch containers while my shih tzu barked like a stark-raving lunatic, one of our kitchen appliances malfunctioned  almost catching on fire, and my son had a battle with deoderant and the deoderant won!  Still wondering why I don’t love the first day of school??!

Yesterday I sent one nervous, anxietal sixth grader off to “the scariest prison in the world where they torture and torment children” (also known as “school” if you’re into adulting; these are his exact words!) and one excited, sometimes naughty, eye-rolling and sassy fifth grader off to rule the school in the hopes that one day both my children will become positive contributions to society, despite their crazy, unbalanced mother and chaotic upbringing.

Isn’t school where the magic happens when you’re a kid??  Ok, maybe not so magical but I always liked school!  As mentioned in previous posts, I have 2 very opposite children…both extremely smart in their own ways, but one has hated school from day one and lamented about it, stressed over it and shed many tears throughout the years while the other has loved every minute of it (well, mostly).  So, I guess I find this time of year bittersweet…I’m happy my kids are thriving, growing, loving and learning to overcome but as they grow and become another year closer to being an adult there’s a sadness (mixed with some crazy, of course 😉 ) that overshadows this season for me!  Does anyone else feel this way??  Am I crazy? Tell me I’m not the only one!

Just so I don’t leave you all feeling racey, anxietal and just plain depressed here are a few things I LOVE about this time of year….  the beautiful, colorful changes in the leaves; apple cider season; the cooler nights complete with the smells of fall;  the return of college football; homemade soup; cozy fires in our fireplace; blanket cuddles on the couch; and a new season of peewee hockey watching my favorite hockey player!

 

I recently had the priveledge of reading an advanced copy of Little Broken Things by Nicole Baart.  What a great read! I absolutely loved the style in which this book was written and could not put it down!  Nicole builds her characters out in a unique, individualized style yet still manages to intricately weave their lives together, creating a story we can all relate to in one way or another.  She does an excellent job depicting life in small town America complete with phenomenal character builds.  I love this book because I can relate to the sacrifice, struggles, failed moments, small town culture and even some of the secrets.  Nicole is a master story-teller who paints a spectacular picture of how our little broken things in this life can be transformed into a breath-takingly beautiful piece of original artwork.

Check out what Southern Living had to say about Little Broken Things…”If you liked Big Little Lies, you’ll want to crack open this new novel by Nicole Baart…”  An amazing book you do not want to skip!

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day!!  Cheers to all of you! I hope your day is filled with love, joy and lots of laughter!!

To my own mom, thanks for teaching me the value of hard work, how to persevere through trials in life, and most importantly, for teaching me how to love unconditionally and give unrestricted grace to my own children.  I respect you so much! I had no idea the sacrifices you made to raise us.  You unselfishly put your own needs, goals and dreams on pause so we could have a great childhood full of love, laughter, clean laundry, 3 squares a day, and adventure!  Thank you for teaching me how to be a mom, for teaching me to be strong, to live fearless and to never give up! You loved me unconditionally and always through the difficult times.  Your love, strength and dedication to your children has made us who we are today. Thanks, Mom, I’m forever grateful ♥♥♥

I became a mom for the first time on March 11, 2006 and then again on October 18, 2007.  Yes, my kids are very close in age, but they are polar opposites (both in physical traits…one is a boy and one is a girl, and in personalities).  I don’t think they have even one thing in common…. one loves chocolate, the other loves vanilla; one is kind-hearted, sensitive, cuddly and loving, while the other is sassy, naughty on a regular, stubborn, strong-willed and finds it super funny when her mom cries because she punched another kid in the face….again 😦

Like many things in life, nothing went as planned from day one! My motherhood journey has been marked with many complicated and heart-breaking moments, but it also tells a story of unconditional love, true grit, grace and countless joy-filled adventures.  Our daughter, Chloe Jane, has forced us to show our guts, to show what we’re made of…apparently I’m a lot stronger than I realized!  She was born with unexpected health problems (primarily lung, breathing, and immune system related).  She is delayed in many areas, rides around in a self-propelled wheelchair (meaning I am the self-propeller) and doesn’t look, for lack of a better word, “normal” by society’s definition of the word.  My heart has been repeatedly broken time and again over the past 11 years but Kevin, Jake, Chloe and I are survivors.  Chloe has taught us to love on a deeper level, to forgive each other’s shortcomings and work together to overcome the obstacles. While it wasn’t our plan to have these broken pieces in our lives they serve an important purpose in shaping who we are as a family and who we’ve become as individuals.

All children come with no instruction manual and their own set of challenges.  Some days I’m truly exhausted from the battle (either already fought or the one looming on the distant horizon!), but my children have taught me the meaning and definition of true love, grace, and perseverance.  Some days I feel absolutely broken beyond repair, my mom failures mounting in epic proportions and other days I feel like I breezed through the day with a gold medal at the finish line (okay maybe I never feel quite this great but I definitely have victories that we celebrate).

Some moments in time that have shaped the mom I am…..

To the friend who told me they don’t want to be me…I get it! Most days I don’t want to be me! My days are long and I know you see Chloe as a life sentence but if you can look beyond her broken body, she is beautiful and God trusted Kevin and I to care for her and love her and though she isn’t perfect by the world’s standards she is perfectly loved in our family.  She may never do most things other children will do but I’m thankful for the odds she’s already defied! The silver lining here is she can now tell us she loves us back complete with a sweet, slobbery kiss and it is the most beautiful gift ♥  Children are a gift regardless of who they are! Embrace them and love them right where they’re at.

To the friend who was ready to start their own family and felt guilty and worried they would end up with a Chloe so they distanced themselves right out of our life… She’s not a disease or illness that is contagious.  She is a beautiful child, a sister, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a cousin and a niece!  While at the time, I was heart-broken over this now I’m sad for you…I’m sad you are missing out on the sweetest love, I’m sad your children are missing out on a lifetime of friendship from two genuine, kind-hearted, playful, adventurous kids.

To the nurse this week who asked me if my whining, frustrated child was behaving typically for her “you know, because she is disabled and all”…No that was not typical behavior caused by her disabilities! She had not eaten for 18 hours due to the procedure she was having done, so while I’m sorry she made everyone else in the waiting room uncomfortable, any child regardless of their challenges would have been desperate with a tummy ache and begging for food at that point.  My advice to you is this:  be passionate about what you do or don’t do it! It is that simple.  The.End.

To the nurses who didn’t make me feel like the worst mom ever when my 3-year-old locked himself in the washroom at the local children’s hospital and responded to me with these calming words- “don’t worry mom, Jesus is in here with me, we’re washing our hands and I didn’t fall in the toilet” (well thank the sweet Lord for that!)… Thank you for your kindness that day and all of the days!

To the gastroenterologist that was in charge of my son’s health problems for 5 years….when my 3-year-old grabbed your chest and with a sparkle in his eye, turned to me and said, “OH mommy, BIG BUMPS! Big quishy bumps!”  Thanks for not making the situation worse and reassuring me that things like this happen all the time when you are examining children.  I wanted to crawl in a big hole that day but somehow I managed to walk out of there hand in hand with my angel-boy.

To the time when my 4-year-old ran to his daddy with tears streaming down his face proclaiming my abandonment because I shut the bathroom door to have a pee by myself for once, or when my child decided homework was only for the kids who didn’t get the lesson being taught, thus decided not to do any homework for a month…I’m thankful for these parenting moments (maybe not always right then but later in my reflections I am grateful).  My point in sharing some of my mom stories is this:  the good days and bad days, the painful, failed moments, the sweet victories all work together to teach and strengthen us.  They keep us from giving up and make us strong so that in the end we can raise strong, kind and loving kids.

Being a mom is the greatest calling!  It’s the most challenging, but also comes with the greatest rewards.  These rewards cannot be purchased nor can you barter for them… they accumulate from a lifetime of love and trust and grace and peanut butter, mud-stained, milk mustache faces.  To all the moms out there – I know you are exhausted and you feel like you’ve failed (sometimes in large ways and other times in small ways) but keep on keepin on and remember this tender nugget:  Your sweet angels are learning to love, to dig deep when times are tough, to never give up, to forgive, to encourage others, to be passionate, to be graceful, to be brave and courageous, to be kind and compassionate to others in spite of our differences.  They are learning how to rise above in life and to shine, to take the leap even if it’s scary and to be fearless overcomers! Embrace your failed moments and learn from them because your littles will learn how to navigate life’s adversity from watching you.  ♥You, my friend, have one of the most important jobs on the planet.  Don’t EVER forget that!

According to my 11-year-old, I like to run, eat and be awesome!  What’s your super power??

 

 

This post is a tribute to one of the best fathers, husbands, and all around guys I have ever been blessed enough to know.  On January 21st, 2005 I walked down an aisle toward one of my very best friends in the whole world and said “I do”…I do choose to love you every day for the rest of forever, I do promise to live all the rest of my years here on this earth with you, I do choose to wake up each morning thankful for a hand to hold when I’m scared to take the next step.  The “I do” part was just the beginning to a beautiful, broken adventure!

Many times I have struggled through the chaos and uncertainty of our life but you come along side me, never once giving up on me, on us, when so many times it would have been easiest to do just that.  You are a man who loves his family unconditionally and have shown us this repeatedly in your actions.

Sometimes the sun is shining so bright we have to squint to see the horizon and all that lies beyond and sometimes we are just 2 people stumbling around in the dark hoping, praying that we get it right and land on our own 2 feet, still together.  We’ve been to grief counseling; we’ve been angry enough to keep track of who does what, when; we’ve been on different pages, in different chapters, and a few times in totally separate books (very difficult to come back from, I must admit, but it can be done!); we’ve had a broken heart (x1000)…so broken beyond repair that no breath was deep enough to fill our lungs with air; we’ve accused each other of all the marriage crimes….not loving enough, not hating enough, not trying hard enough, not caring enough, not noticing enough and on and on and everything in-between!  Why am I telling you these things if this is a tribute to someone I deeply love and respect, you ask? Because I don’t want you to get a false view of who we are.  I don’t want you to think for one second that the past 12 years has been easy and rosie and that we’re all lovey-dovey all the time.  There have been those times too but marriage takes work, effort and a lot of communicating, compromising and TEAMWORK! One of my favorite slogans…”teamwork makes the dreamwork!”  I know, I know, super cheese, right?!

Despite all of the crazy, difficult moments my husband truly is my super hero…”my Thor” as our son says.  He’s a mighty oak tree standing tall and strong amidst life’s storms.  He’s our shelter and protector and so much more!!  I think sometimes, as women, we lose site of who our partner is and what their strengths are.  My husband’s strengths are my weaknesses and that is a good and beautiful thing.  Don’t try to change them to be anything more than they are because this often ends up making them less than they were meant to be.

This past year was one of intense growth and change (which I don’t really do change…see previous posts 😉 ).  One year ago, in January my husband came home from his job at a local factory and said to me, “I’m done, honey.  I’m quitting the factory.  I’ve had enough.”  At first I was shocked.  We had discussed this but it wasn’t supposed to happen yet.  I trusted and believed in him and this choice and I still do.  It was the very best decision he could have ever made.  It took courage, strength and bravery to walk in and give his 2 weeks notice after 11 years at this job with no other job lined up to support us.  We got many crazy looks and some criticism about this decision but when you follow Jesus, your heart, and your dreams you can’t go wrong.

My husband has some very distinct gifts.  He is a barber by trade.  He’s an artist who creates beautiful paintings as well as beautiful haircuts.  He was born to create beautiful scenery in a baron land!

This is for you, my love…. You are a barber – not just of hair, but of life.  You trim, and perfect, and create, and dream.  You are a peacemaker who is teaching our son how to lead, love,  leap, and be a man.  You sit in the very front row when I’m asked to share the nitty-gritty and bare all; you encourage me to be great and to share all that we have been through and all that we have learned even if it makes you uncomfortable.  You lead with a gentle love.  Thank you for inspiring me to be more gentle, more kind, more loving and more giving!  I love that we strive to live to give together! I love you even more every single day!  Proud of who you are and proud you took a chance at building a life together with me.

 

 

We could all use a little more sunshine, especially after the rain that can come hard and fast in this life, right?!

I love Christmas time and celebrating the New Year! They are two of my favorite things! Christmas has always represented magic, joy, love and peace for me.  I get excited about finding the perfect tree, decorating it, adding a new and special piece to my children’s ornament collections, Christmas Eve jammies, family traditions – both old and new, getting together with friends and family to celebrate Jesus’ birth and another year gone by. On the flip side, this time of year I’m usually quite homesick and miss my Oregon family tremendously.  I feel only half-complete – like I’m missing out and that my kids are missing out.  We miss brothers and sisters (who are aunts and uncles to my precious tiny humans) and cousins (who are my nieces and nephews) and grandmas and grandpas.  They feel so far away. It’s bitter-sweet sometimes, right?! Just like all of life can be.

I love celebrating a new year…I get excited about starting fresh and having the whole year ahead to chase dreams and accomplish goals; to become a better version of me.  I’m a soul who loves to give.  Ordinarily this season of life is magical, merry and bright, full of love, giving and sparkling lights but, if I’m being totally honest with you, this year not so much.  We found ourselves in a bit of a rainstorm, complete with thunder, lightening and probably a bit of baseball-sized hail. December was a big, crazy storm with the most difficult week including a repeat MRI to monitor a growth in one child’s spine, a nerve-racking test at Sick Kids for another child and a major surgery for me, all within days of each other.  Then I had incisions across my chest complete with stitches and a very sore chest region, Chloe was very sick, but that is nothing new as she is always sick with a lung infection this time of year, and I became sleep deprived caring for her through the nights (also not a new struggle), and to put the cherry on top, someone robbed us taking tools, money, a shovel, gloves, and a goose down coat my husband uses to shovel when it’s -40 outside…. I guess someone needed these things more than we did!

To say we were stressed is probably a slight understatement.  In my family, we all handle stress very differently.  Shocking, right?!  Just so the picture is really clear….The night before my surgery (which was #8 in 3 years), my husband decided he would set up our fake, FREE tree and listen to music loud enough to indicate we were having a block party! I had 1,001 more pressing things to complete than setting up our fake, free Christmas tree, which, by the way, comes complete with lights from 1985, before heading to the body butcher (aka surgeon) in the morning.  Our son was sick with anxiety and worry, causing him to withdraw and miss an entire week of school.  I threatened to take our ugly Christmas tree outside to the front lawn and light it on fire!  What??!! Yes, that’s right….I basically had an adult tantrum…soooo not one of my finer moments in life and definitely not proud to acknowledge this, but it’s true!  So apparently stress makes me want to become a fire starter with a strong desire to purge the ugly things in my life (like fake, plastic Christmas trees 🙂 )!

Needless to say (as I’m writing this so I think it’s pretty obvious) we all survived! Actually, we didn’t just survive we flourished in many ways.  While our holiday season seemed covered in snowflakes of adversity and strife we managed.  While situations weren’t handled perfectly, in fact, far from it, we grew stronger as individuals and as a family.  We had disappoints, hurt feelings, said mean things to each other (ok maybe only I said mean things…), cried (A LOT) of tears, threatened to burn down the Christmas tree (also, only me), felt like giving up on a few occasions, and my husband and I discovered that when it comes to “calming down” breathing techniques don’t help….not even a teensie, weensie bit (maybe we aren’t doing it right…. deeper breaths??!).

The sun did shine for us, and it wasn’t just after the rain, sometimes it was during the rain…. this is the beautiful balance that comes in all of life. Sunshine in the midst of adversity and struggle is often missed because we are focused on the problems and not the good things.  I am a gold medalist when it comes to focusing on what’s wrong vs. what’s right with my life; with our life.

The sun peeked through in tiny bright moments here and there….

I celebrated a 3-year anniversary of the end of a very harsh form of Chemotherapy on December 18th.  Jake bought me a cheeseburger to celebrate! Yes, my chemo turned my hair almost completely grey but it DID grow back…YAY!

A super awesome friend dropped by at just the right moment with groceries, free hugs, love beyond my wildest imagination and a canvas bag that she made just for me!!

We saw a big, beautiful, sparkly and magical, non-fake Christmas tree!!

We saw “Potted Potter” in the theater in Toronto!

Christmas came with blessings of love!

A new year, with a clean slate! Excited for 2017!!